So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
