He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
