Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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