last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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