trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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