I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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