I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
