my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
