Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
