Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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