Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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