oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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