Kiss
Puke
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
