So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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