im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
