Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
