Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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