He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
