I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
