woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
