A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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