I need help removing her.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
