how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
