I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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