he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
