Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my sisters under your porch take her home
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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