My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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