he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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