What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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