That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
