I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Even my vagina gasped.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
