So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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