He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
