There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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