hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
