if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Less talking, more tequila
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
