dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
