i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
