Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
