When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
