Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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