Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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