Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
