the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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