Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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