i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
