im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
