ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
