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Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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