I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
