he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
